Lookee This!

Sunset - from my driveway...


Sunset a few minutes later - from my driveway...

Hey look at what my camera can do!! Beautiful!

So, Halloween kind of freaks me out.

As a child for religious and for who knows what else reasons we did not celebrate the holiday. We were not allowed. Everyone else on the block, in the neighborhood, in the city, in the county had costumes and fun. We were not allowed.

As I made it to my tween and then my teen years, I changed that. I went to parties, and I went trick-or-treating for a few years. As it turns out, I don’t like trick-or-treating. Nope, not at all. The party thing I could do and enjoy.

As an adult, I encouraged my daughter’s participation since infancy. Costumes, trick-or-treat, parties and myriad decorations every year. As a 20-something in college, she still loves the parties and costumes. And I do not want to know the details. Suffice it to say she has fun.

As an adult without a small child, I am not really liking Halloween. I am too old to party with the younger crowd. Don’t care to party much either. I don’t have any small kids in the house to dress up. Hubbing no longer goes way overboard with the decorations to scare the holy schnikees out of the neighborhood kids. We live in a very rural area. We have very few unexpected visitors to our door. The dog is really upset by the sporadic ringing of the doorbell for a few hours once a year. He barks like a crazy dog. Which he truly is we know. He scares the folks at the door who are just trying to enjoy a truly bizarre holiday. Scares ‘em witless really. He sounds like he is going to eat them alive. He just wants to lick them to death and jump on them till fall over. Ya, see cuz then he could actually reach their faces and then he could lick some more.

Hubbing doesn’t much like it anymore either. He always has to work to keep the little hoodlums from doing real damage to life and to property. It is usually cold and sometimes wet and windy too. So, maybe this is a holiday for the young.

I feel old.

We went on another mini-vacation! And it was awesome. And I got to use my new camera. And it is still smarter than me… sorry about that.

I did manage to take a few good shots. See ……

I also took along my lil ole’ point-and-shoot cuz I know how to use that one. See ….

We talked more about the hows and wheres of retiring someday. We aren’t even close yet folks. We just like to talk about it. We have agreed that water is the main criteria for location. The rest will sort itself out over time. So, we visit water and enjoy ourselves and take pictures.

Sounds good to me.

RIP MOMMA

OUR MOST TREASURED MEMORY

WE LOVE YOU - NOW AND ALWAYS!

Mommas

It was very difficult yesterday.

We saw his Mama for the first time since they sent her home. Everyone is just waiting for the end now. She is very uncomfortable physically. Her breathing is labored and she is in pain. She wasn’t able to talk much. She did tell him, ”I see you.” Choked him up a little – a lot. It was very hard on him when he lost his Dad. This time will be more difficult. The only good part of this is the wonders of the internet and Skype. We are not making the trip back. He has said all he has to say to her.

Preparing for his mother’s passing stirred thoughts and memories for me.

The call from Old Fart that Momma wasn’t going to make it. The staff at the hospital missed the DNR in her chart. She was hooked up to a ventilator. He wanted me to come down so the apparatus could be removed. I was there within 18 hours or so. He wanted me there for him. She never knew I was by her side. Old Fart still has bad days all these years later. He doesn’t know what to do with himself most of the time. He took care of her for 12 years! He never made an exit plan. He didn’t understand how lost he would be without her. Oddly I didn’t understand how much I would miss her either.

We weren’t related by birth. She was #2. And yet she is my #1. I could not love her more or miss her more simply by being of her flesh. She was the most loving, most caring Mother a child could want. I want that love still. I was not ready for her to go. She nurtured my soul. She taught me so very much about life and about relationships. My youth and my arrogance were my most prevalent traits when we were first getting acquainted. She was more than tolerant. She forgave me my ignorance and she guided me through those years. The horrible relationship that almost killed me – literally. The new role of mother that I was certain I could never EVER get right. Her support, her love, her guidance were an absolute integral part of our survival. Most of who and of what we are in our lives today is because she was in our lives. And now her lessons live on.

CiCi learned pure love from Momma. No conditions, no strings, no expectations – just love. A far better love than I could have taught her. Mine is flawed. Hers is not. Neither one of them actually have this flaw. A capacity for forgiveness that I still cannot master. This comes from deep inside a person. A place so real and so alive that one cannot touch or feel it. A person has to live it. I don’t have that place within me. I can remember a slight from my childhood which was a very long, long time ago. CiCi may remember but is not concerned. Momma was like that.

The one thing she didn’t forget was hurt. She felt it deeply. It crushed her. She was a tender hearted soul. As tough a business woman as you would ever meet. In a time when females were an anomaly in the world of finance and banking, Momma was moving to the top. She could run the place with amazing efficiency and true grit. And have her feelings crushed with an unkind word from a loved one. A lesson for us all here and now.

Mommas are the best. They deserve the best of us. Our love, our respect, our caring and our hearts. We pass this on to the next generation so they may pass it on to the following generation.

We love you Momma.

Vacation

We had a spectacular weekend.

Our mini-vacation was a success. We reconnected with each other. We unplugged from the world and enjoyed our surroundings.

We were active and fun. We tried a couple of new things.
Nothing horrible happened and we didn’t go broke doing it.

WOW for us! We decided it took ten years but we finally figured out how to have a vacation.

The water was warmish and the weather was hot – kinda. We went kayaking, we swan off the dock, we went out on a paddlewheeler with a corny dinner show. We went shopping even.

All in all it was an amazing trip for two. We came back with a renewed commitment to do this again and again. It is so very good for us. And we had a great time.

To top off the perfect weekend – I received this Sunday afternoon! Huh, who knew?

Accomplishments

I did get a few things accomplished lately.

I made it to the gym and made myself sore.

I did a butt-load of laundry.

Did some cleaning and some fixing.

Hung some curtains added air freshener….

So, things are improving. Or really it is just me getting onto the improving.

I had dinner with friends and co-workers Friday nite.

I had dinner with different friends and different co-workers Saturday nite.

I have two very different jobs. So, I have two separate sets of friends and co-workers.

There is excitement and love happening all around.

There is a lot of turmoil as well.

I just observe. I really don’t share much of my life.

I can tell them how we are planning a mini-vacation. Relate the trials and the tribulations of being with this dog. And I can show pictures that are on my phone.

Most of these people really don’t know much about me. I don’t want them to be involved in my life. There is so very much I consider personal. Private by my own definition. Not a popular definition – probably not the Webster’s definition either.

The over-sharing that is such a part of our society and our culture these days is not for me. Why would I want to know so much about someone’s movements? I don’t care when you took the trash out – where you had dinner – how much you spent on the dinner – or how funny the waiter was. I really don’t care.

I don’t quite understand why anyone would want to know all this. Really I don’t.

Just like I don’t want to know when the last the time you were intimate with your partner and those sordid details. I can’t help you with your relationship issues please keep those secrets to yourself too. And don’t ask – I will not share those aspects of my life with you. Or anyone other than my husband. It is truly not your concern.

We can talk about the weather, new government policies, paint colors, good dogs and bad dogs, college tuition, muscle cars or environmental disasters. I am fully capable of holding my own on any of those topics. And quite happy to discuss them.

Stay out of my bedroom and keep your nosey questions out of my life. You were not invited.

Hmmm… sounds a little bitchy don’t it?

I Don't Wanna

I know why I haven’t been here lately. I don’t feel like it.
I am taking the lazy days of summer to heart.

The innumerable things that need to be done – I just don’t feel like doing them.

There are carpets to clean, windows to wash, floors to scrub and more and more.
And I don’t wanna.

The ugly wallpaper in the laundry room is still half down. And the room is not painted.
And I don’t wanna.

“Stuff” that needs to be boxed up and carried into the garage is getting stacked up.
And I don’t wanna.

Bathtubs to clean and sinks to scour and toilets ugghhhhh
Yep I so don’t wanna.

Paint is waiting for the window wells in the kitchen – so Hubbing can re-hang the blinds.
And I don’t wanna.

And there is more paint waiting for the trim and the banister. And more paint waiting for the girl’s bedroom. And more paint waiting for the basement.
And I don’t wanna.

The ATTIC – yeah just everything up there.
And I don’t wanna.

I want to eat ice cream and peruse the blogosphere and enjoy.

My pants are getting a little tight cuz ……
Gym attendance in another “I don’t wanna”.

I want to float on a lake or a river – cool water, warm sun.

Yeppers that’s what I wanna do.

A Night Off

I have not failed my challenge for the week. I gave myself the night off last night. I had something important to do. And I did it.

I also gave myself tonight off as well. I was making good progress on one of my projects. Sewing two seams into some pillow covers I bought on clearance to make new curtains for the basement. Very easy – I have improvised in this way more than once. Except, the sewing machine took exception to working at such an hour. Yep used an entire spool of thread on one seam. So, I asked the sewing princess for assistance. Tried all her suggestions and nothing worked. I will try the curtains another time. Maybe miracle fixes do happen to electronic equipment….. Ehhh it could happen.

I did manage to get a few things done. And I feel good about those accomplishments. There is much more to do. I don’t know that I will be able to complete the basement or the laundry room this week. I forgot to take into account normal everyday activities and responsibilities. And hair appts. Yeah, had one of those yesterday. Almost forgot. Oops! We chatted, she cut and styled and waxed – ouch. And I paid – ouch again.
With the mundane and the necessary requiring my attention and my efforts – the extraordinary and extracurricular are neglected. Laundry and vacuuming before painting and sewing. More mundane tomorrow.

I did manage to play with a couple more photos from the OKC trip. I plan to take those to be printed. The Old Fart wanted a few of them to hang. I also want to hang a few of them. Probably not the same ones. I take the jump drive to a photo kiosk in one of the major discount retailers and pick and choose which ones I print. Works great for me and the photos print in a quality suitable for framing. I have my favorite abstract-type one sitting on my desk now. I’m the only person that likes it but the print is good. My camera and my computer are still not placing nice with each other. I plan to have Hubbing take a look at that when he gets back. Which needs to be soon. I am missing him most much.

Oh, and what was so important I had to skip a post yesterday? I had to say good-bye to an old friend.

Photo credit to: www.corneliamarie.com

Calm Seas and Good Weather Captain Phil. Gonna miss you.

The urge to say “F**K IT”

The urge to say “F**K IT” and give up on my challenge to myself week is very strong.
See my day went wonky – took a hard right turn and spun me around. I hate it when that happens! But, I told myself I can do this. And I am going to make every effort. ‘nuff said.

Exercise is much easier when I don’t have a full-time job thing.

I enjoy my workouts. As long as I can focus on my workout with a single-mindedness I am good. When I have to watch the clock and be prepared to leave to get ready for work, it is not nearly as fun. There was a time when I spent two hours a day at the gym. I showered there much more often than I ever did at home. I had good shape, toned muscles and minimal body fat. All because I was there 8-10 hours a week. I didn’t like to miss my workouts two days in a row. And now with the job thing I cant make it to the gym two days in a row. I don’t want to get up at 5:30 AM to go sweat. It takes me awhile to wake up. I don’t like the rushing around and the hurried feeling that comes with it.

I can get organized and have everything ready in the car for the morning. But, then there is the hair issue. What issue you say? Well, let me ‘splain it to you. Short curly hair. Can’t leave it wet to dry on its own. Much fuzziness and bizarro world curls sticking out every which way ensues. If I try to blow it dry…well it must be perfect the first try or I have to start over. In the past I didn’t much care. I didn’t have a job thing in a professional setting. But this has changed.

Working out in the evening doesn’t work well for me. My energy level is way down. I don’t have much enthusiasm for the workout and my mind wanders a lot. I don’t really concentrate on the tasks. I lose count on reps, I forget if I have done both sets so I do them again or not. My focus is missing.

So, the questions for me:
Do I suck it up and go in the early mornings?
What about the hair? I am not one of those women that likes to spend hours on the hair.
Can I make it work in the evening?
Any ideas?

PS Dang my siblings have ugly feet dont they? Mine aint no better.

Challenge Week

So, I have a challenge for myself this week.
The Hubbing is out of town – all week.
This is the first time I will be in this cavernous house alone for that amount of time.
CiCi is gone – her friends are gone – her cat is gone.
It is just me and the remaining furry people.

That means I have no excuses.
There is no one to cook for every day.
There is no one to cuddle with every evening.
There is no one to use as an excuse for not getting things done.

Therefore, I will make this a challenge week for me.

I am ruling out going to the gym everyday. It would be fun and exciting.
It also is not doable. The old dog cannot last that long without some outdoor relief.
As it is, one of the Hubbing’s friends and coworkers is coming in every afternoon to relieve the dog. So, that one is out. However, that does not mean I can’t go walking in the evening with the old dog. And do a few floor exercises each evening. So I will be opportunistic on that front.

I will write a minimum of one post every day for these 5 days. Yeppers, I will.
I have a few ideas to jot down to make that easier. Really, once I get started on a post it flows very well. It is the getting started that is the hard part.

I will finish one project around here this week. Either the laundry room or the basement will be completed by Friday. Both rooms are equally difficult for different reasons. It won’t make any difference at all which one gets done. If I stick with it I can do it.


I am gong to return to the job search thing. More on that later. Suffice it to say ewwwwwwwww…

I will get some loose ends tied up for me. Mailing a few things, printing some photos, figuring out why my camera is not speaking to my computer, are just a few of the everyday type things I have been ignoring.

I am going to start this process by ironing my work clothes tonight for the week. Yippee (note sarcasm here) ironing. My favorite. Well ok I don’t really like it but I really don’t like wrinkled clothes!

There will be much conversation this week. I have pictures to share (maybe) if my camera and computer will be friends again. Thoughts to sort and questions to ask.

Take a look at this one – GAHHHH!!

Yes, I've been busy.

Much has happened in the last month. I don’t know where to start.
So – a list of random updates and their respective consequences.

ITEM 1:
The house is listed for sale. We aren’t finished with all the things we wanted to do. But, it is out there. So, this is real. If we are able to sell at the price we want we will be ok. Not great but ok.

ITEM 2:
I have a new job thing. Yeah, kind of surprised me too. Commute is longer but it is ok. Not sure about the job yet. Keep you posted.

ITEM 3:
I am going to OKC in a week for an overnight trip. Yucko! We take all the fun out of dysfunctional. That will be a post not to be missed when I get back.

ITEM 4:
Feeling uber fat these days. Up about 5 pounds and none too happy about it. Been to the gym more often but my eating is out of control!! Lordy save me from myself.

ITEM 5:
CiCi and Hubbing are communicating! Yay just like real people!! She needs a new car – he loves to buy cars and can’t afford one for us. So, he helps her. They both win. I am beyond excited.

ITEM 6:
I feel better. I gave in and started taking the medication as prescribed. Yup, me on meds. Whatever I feel better.

ITEM 7:
I have absolutely no idea what to get Hubbing for his upcoming birthday. Poop – poop and more poop. Ideas?

ITEM 8:
I bought a couple pairs of shoes for this job. Like grown up lady work shoes with heels and stuff. Wow, huh? Who knew I could wear those things.

ITEM 9:
My office is still a mess.

ITEM 10:
It is so flippin’ hot I can’t get anything done. I can’t get the outside things done because I am at work in the morning – every morning. Yes all seven of them. I didn’t give up my Target job completely. I have to be certain the new one will work.


ITEM 11:
I can no longer collect unemployment. It ran out and I now have two jobs. CRAP!
How do I pay my Target bill now?

ITEM 12:
I need to paint a few more rooms. Don’t have time but still need to paint. Volunteers (read victims)?

ITEM 13:
I need new bras. I hate shopping for bras. They are expensive and uncomfortable and don’t fit right! WAAAAH…..

ITEM 14:
Old Dude is having cataract surgery in a couple of weeks. Kinda scary. He is getting older and his health is too.

ITEM 15:
Gave the poopers a bath today. It was necessary. He reeked.

ITEM 16:
I miss CiCi most much.

The Blood Letting was minor

So, this is the first time in a week I have had the opportunity to catch my breath. OK, breathing is good. Now what? Well, there was that thing in the kitchen I need to fix….

See this….

Yup I did it. Somehow, last week while I was washing dishes. Looks like fun don’t it? Ya not so much. So, to preserve this….. I have to get the little one out of the big one without breaking the big one. It is very important you know.

Mr. Grumpy’s favorite coffee cup. Very Important!

I tried the steak knife down the side annnddd broke the tip off the knife. I tried hot and cold – I tried one hot and the other cold – nothing budged. I tried pouring vegetable oil down the insides. Still nuthin’… So, I decided today it was time to break out the big guns.

OK, so it’s just a power tool – but it is powered. Well, it’s powered when you remember to charge it…. I wasn’t the last one to use it so I cannot be held responsible. And it didn’t work.

Then came the BIG ONE!! And a much larger bit. And still nuthin’… Hmmfph

As a last resort – I dug up the old faithful hammer and thingie you pound with the hammer.

Nope don’t what it’s called and don’t care. Please don’t tell me cuz I won’t remember. Then you will think you’re having an aneurysm or something. Cuz I will have no idea what you are talking about and your head will try to explode. Or Something like that.

TA –DA!!!! SUCCESS! Check it out. A plain old hammer and poundie thingie broke through the super thick twenty year old little bowl. It’s at least twenty years old anyway. I can’t remember not having it. There was one terrifying moment when a loud “CRACK” resounded through the mud room, laundry room, fix-it room when it is too hot to be in the garage room. I panicked and stopped pounding for a minute. After thorough inspection I decided the cracking sound was the little cup. And prayed I was correct. I did not want to tell Mr. Grumpy I took a hammer to his favorite cup.

Dug the pieces out of the cup; washed it and it is ready for use. I hope I didn’t cause any real damage to the cup.

And the blood letting was minor.

All in all a successful day.

So Life Changes

So, I've been avoiding this post for awhile now. If I don't write it - it won't be real...
Ya that never works. And it is very personal. And I don't want it to be happening.
And well yeah - just AND.

So, we moved CiCi yesterday. Very sad. She's gone. I know they grow up and leave home. I know!! But, are you ever ready for it? She was excited and then she was scared and then she was borderline hysterical and then I just wanted her to come back with me.

And she didn't. I was reassuring as a good mom should be... Ya let's put me up for MOM of the YEAR, not. I know she has to leave me and has to learn to be on her own. I know that! I know she needs to learn about adult decisions and adult consequences. I know as long as she lives under my roof I will take care of those things for her. And I know she won't learn anything. And so I helped her move out. I helped carry the bed down the stairs, out the door into the back of the truck. I loaded my truck and her car and we took off down the road. The very long three hour road thanks. And the cat in the carrier screaming in my ear the entire way. Yay me!

And I unloaded the big truck and the small truck and her car. And I held her while she cried. And I left her before she could see me cry. That simply would not do. I was the voice of reason,"You will be fine," "Just give it some time,""You have friends here, they are happy to have you closer now,""Your cousin will be here shortly living in the next room,""If it doesn't work out you can come home." Please God come home.

And I drove home alone. All Alone! And she called. And she cried. And she called again. And she was laughing! Someone stopped by to help her with her bed. Her room was put together now. New pretty pink sheets on the bed. The kitty was getting comfortable. Yeah, came out of her carrier by herself and was checking things out and folks were stopping by to say hi and meet the kitty! Oh and when would be better to start job hunting Sunday or Monday? Good to hear honey - very glad you are getting settled in. Start job hunting on Monday - no don't give the kitty a special treat just yet. Let her stomach calm down. I can almost hear out of my right ear. Yes that's a good thing. Yes she is a sweetie. Sure, sure we can talk later. Who's Mike? No I haven't met him yet. Sure, sure next time ... next time.

So sad. So very glad.

Passions Part 2

So, obviously you give me a subject I am passionate about and I go a little nuts. I’m ok with that. We all need our passions. Mine are just a kinda different. Eh, ok.

Part 2

Racial bias lives on in our society. We hope it doesn’t – we tell ourselves it is almost non-existent – but it.never.leaves. It raises its’ ugly head within my own family. A fact I have never been proud of nor ever will. I can’t say it. But, it is so very true.

And my daughter will face it for the rest of her life. My husband faces it every day as well. People are uneducated and are ridiculous in their opinions and in questions. “So, uh ___ do you speak Navajo?” Huh? Where did that come from? Navajo yet. That’s new. Not realistic – not even close to possible – but new.

Most of the time it is a sly comment. A backwards glance not intended for you to notice. An “insider’s” joke with the person of some color being the joke. This is how the civilized world handles their prejudices. Let my daughter start to date her son and see how that changes. Have my husband show up at the door as a first responder to a call for help and wait for those attitudes to come with the fool to answer the inquiry at the door. Things change quickly. Then there is always the idiot in a public place making no attempt to mask their disdain or their hatred. The older woman glaring at our family on an outing with such a look of contempt and hatred wanting to spout some true fountain of filth from her small mind. Holding her tongue because she has no visible support surrounding her. Someone may not come to her rescue here. But, by God there was a day when they would have. Such people as these would never have been allowed out in this public venue like this. These folks just don’t know their place anymore. Ya, lady, I heard ya. Don’t care. Don’t want to look at you anymore. Except, maybe to say, “WTF is your problem? I have heard this crap for 40+ years. My daughter will hear it. My husband will continue to hear it. And, it.doesn’t.change.a.thing. We are not leaving. Get over it already.”

Skin color has no bearing on one’s ability to rear children – to raise responsible adults – to relieve some of the burden on society. I gave birth to my daughter because I wanted her. She is the light of my existence. Dissenting opinions are needed to make us stronger and make us more able to succeed. Idiots do us no good.

Mothers Day and Everything Else

Yesterday I read Kait’s post and was flabbergastered. I left without commenting because I was seething. I cannot understand how in this day and age that such ridiculousness still exists.

We are not in some sort of Dark Ages people. There can be no separation of peoples due to skin color! Family is Love. Pure and Simple. Caring, Nurturing, Guidance and Patience know no color boundaries.

I have very personal issues with this. My daughter is biracial as well. Normally, when I say this people look at me weird and say, “She doesn’t look black.” Cuz, she ain’t!! She is Hispanic. And that prejudice still exists. Even friends we have had for years are not sensitive to this. “Ya, he was too tall to be Mexican – don’t know what he was.” Well, my vote would be Human! And to send you to the nearest cultural awareness training and sensitivity class! Idiot!!

My daughter is a college junior who is a stunning young woman 5’10” olive toned skin dark beautiful curly hair with an incredible fashion sense. This is a good thing considering she is a fashion major by choice. Perhaps your stereo-typical expectations were a 4’10” woman with an armload of kids and ratty ill-fitting clothes unable to communicate properly in the English language. Idiot!! Where do you get your information? Rush Limbaugh your hero?

I have witnessed first hand the horrible treatment by the white perceived-by-themselves-to-be-elite of my child. We moved to the Midwest from the California coast. That is another post for another day. We did our homework. We looked up demographics for the area. We researched schools and communities. We were informed on test scores and college prep. We purchased a lovely custom home in an inviting area with lots of room. We brought our dog, our cats, and our kid – we brought our family.

There was a demographic I forgot to check. Her first day of school a new classmate looked at her and said, “You’re Mexican? Wow that’s cool!” Ummm, what? Uhhh, huh? It never stopped. It was present the day they wrote ‘JUNGLE BUNNY” on her car in the school parking lot. The day the school principal knew nothing about. Her car in the front parking lot in the front row where she had parked for 3 years running. Always parked in the same place – always surrounded by the same group of friends. The fools didn’t even know the proper terms for her degradation. SPIK – BEANER – WETBACK those were terms they should have been using for their hate mongering. Terms she has heard before. Their prejudice runs so deep and is so ingrained by their surroundings the details don’t matter to them. Any derogatory term would work to bring about hate and loathing and fear. Idiots!!

This horror directed at the sweetest kid on the planet. She would give her heart and her soul to help anyone or any living thing that needed it. Go ahead ask me how and why we have a household full of pets. Haven’t bought one yet. Not once – nope – in 20 years. This child drove an hour one way to volunteer at an animal rescue facility. She gave up her weekends to do that. She would come home and go on and on about the kitties. (No – you bring one more home and all y’all are moving out!) Some days she would have a few new scratches – that was ok with her. Every day she volunteered she would come home and shower and leave the clothes she wore in the mud room. In case they were contaminated she didn’t want to spread anything to her menagerie. Some days she would be so worried about a particular dog that might be hard to place because of the horrors visited upon it during its short life span. (No – we have one neurotic beast. He can’t take anymore.) A beautiful baby girl always trying to help out around the house. Though that changes a little in the teen years.

And her skin tone is the one thing they see. Her skin tone is their barometer for her place in the world. Please God tell me how this is possible. I would be ecstatic to have her skin tone by the way. At least one less cat too. But, I digress. A hard-working, empathetic, caring and fun loving college student headed for a better life. And they see a dark girl. REALLY! I see an elitist pig with no hope of growth when I see them. A stagnate person in a putrid foul place. She hates remembering her high school years. She did well in school despite what they did to her. They let her not play on the basketball team for 3 years before she quit. I applauded that day. She completed an incredible senior project its first year of inception. Still gets mentioned to this day by subsequent classes. Mostly by the teachers though. Ya the teachers – glad to be rid of most of them too. The majority of them grew up around here – ‘nuff said.

There is more to say about this. I will post again on the subject of prejudice and hate. We can’t let it take over. We have to stay ahead of it and make every effort to integrate the society that won’t let go of it.

No person loves a child for the accessory factor. No child is ever willing to be a “bracelet” to complete an outfit. Children don’t choose their heritage, their families, or who loves them. It is a rare gift to be able to choose a child to love. A child’s color and a mother's color are completely irrelevant.

To Be Continued.

The Tide

Photo Credit:©Thefeld_4688 sm.jpg - my cousin, David

I don’t know when the tide turned or if it has completely.
I do know it is different now.
Our communication is the best it has ever been.
I am so very impressed with us.
It took 10 years to learn to do this.
We are ourselves now too.
While there is much to be said for that – sometimes it is a little weird.
“Honey, will you look at this thing on my butt? I can’t see what is.”
Ya, kinda weird.
Special and endearing but a bit odd.
You lose some mystery however, it is replaced by a comfort of knowing.
We know each other – we share our thoughts with each other.
The questions we have are asked and we are certain of the responses.
We believe in one another.
We make plans and set goals together.
A process we haven’t done before really.
We have worked at a goal.
We haven’t collaborated in the past.
We simply took steps and made plans to meet a conclusion.
There was no togetherness about it.
We were simply existing together.
We are better now.
Bright, happy, moving forward.
I am so very impressed with us.

Walking

We went walking again this weekend.

He is very tolerant these days.
I know I make him crazy with all my picture-taking.
He points out things for me to take pictures of now.

Even after I have put my camera away so we can walk at a decent pace.
See – already put it in my pocket. And took it out again cuz he pointed these out.

I am not sure why what I was seeing isn’t what came through.
I may revisit this one and try again.

We will have to find a new place to walk soon.
I have taken enough winter and early spring pictures already.
We need some new scenery.
Any suggestions?

New thoughts

Ahhhh - feeling much better now. A few days of wallowing and self-pitying are about all I can stand.

Nothing new and exciting going on - just making ready to move on.

Life is getting better.

Some People

(photo credit to Rosie - thanks much.)

Some people are so deep you are left feeling inadequate.
Some people are so deep you know their pain.
Some pain is so deep it will never diminish.
Some pain is so real it consumes.

I glimpse this pain.
I cannot feel it.
I understand this pain.
I cannot feel it.
I hear this pain.
I cannot feel it.
I know this pain.
I cannot feel it.

Is there a way to reach deeper?
Is there a way to heal?
Once the insides have been torn out?
Once the child has been lost?

How far must I go to get her?
How long before I can’t reach her?
She is reaching out now.
She is trying to get here.

I feel her pain.
I know her pain.
I don’t want her pain.
She doesn’t want her pain.

Lost

I'm Lost.

Flailing in the open atmosphere.

Directionless, without discipline, no definitive answer.

I am an emotional wreck.

My physical well-being is starting to suffer.

Which way is up exactly?

Helpful

It would be so helpful if everyone else was keeping up their blogs. I am neglecting mine and yet so are my favorites. Which can only mean one thing - People got Lives - huh, again?

Last time this came as quite a shock to me. So, I was prepared this time. Truly not excited nor surprised. Kinda a little bored though.



We did make a trip to the large museum in the city today. That was great fun. Except for the 4700 school buses out front. That can only mean one thing...field trips! Aack, no, not those things. Didn't much like them when she was in school. I certainly am not interested in them now. Especially in a museum - a look-but-don't-touch kind of museum. There is no interactive displays in this one. It is very old school that way. Subdued lighting, no flash photography, keep your voices down, and don't touch any little thing - ever..... kind of place. Not exactly kid friendly. No dinosaurs - no planes - no fish - just old stuff. Beautiful, breathtaking, beyond exquisite art in sculpture, painting, furniture, dishes, curios, period cloth and so much more. But,no touching at all. And the museum gestapo appears around every corner in every exhibit hall to make certain you adhere to all rules. Dang people must not like their jobs. They never smile or speak to you. And I was even cleaned up today. Did my hair and everything for the occasion.

Ya well, we had a good time. Wandered around for a few hours. Trying to understand perspectives in art and in history. It is a trip I will make again. A very enjoyable outing. She had been before - multiple times actually. Amazing you know. The things she is teaching me now. I am proud. I am humbled.

I am worried. These moments are fleeting. A mere two months and she will move on. She will start her new life. The life without me in it every day.

What is a mother to do?

Yes - I know!

Believe it or not I have been lurking on my own site. I check in to use the links to other blogs I like. Funny huh? Ya ok kinda pathetic.

But, I am reassessing all things in my life. All things. I am making changes and considering options. Yes, I am still very married. No, I am not changing that at all. Everything else is up for review and assessment.

To that end I am writing again. Feels so good. I am taking steps to get back to my healthy diet. My two year break has not been good to me. I am going out on a limb a bit more these days. That is good,very good as well.

I am facing some failings and short comings. I am celebrating strengths and accomplishments. We will talk more about this journey as it continues. Major and minor changes are in order.

I read something posted by someone I love dearly. It moved me. No really it contained a link to a song I had never heard. The lyrics touched me. I don't know how to embed links but I will try. If it doesn't work go to youtube and type in Röyksopp - What Else Is There amazing video and bold lyrics. Caused me to think and feel and write and cry. All in the same afternoon. That is a good thing. Anything that can create that type of response is powerful.

Took a photography class too. Sorry, you are going to have to suffer through my attempts at landscapes. The next one may be a flower photo class. Ya you gonna hafta suffer through those too...

Enjoy!!

We startled each other pretty good here. We agreed to respect the other's space and move on.

Remember - I got this thing about frogs.....

Yes well - I am still alive.........

I have not dropped off the face of the planet yet. I have been lurking on my own blog. I stop by often to check on updates to the blogs I follow. And tell myself to write something. And don't - write anything that is.

It is not a difficult process for me. I just don't. bother. So, I will do one of those updates here it is in the condensed version kinda things.

You remember the snow well it melted a lot see...

and we actually made it to the great outdoors....

yes, that it is a thug - hammin' it up for the camera - which goes everywhere i go....

And now the snow is back. And I am sick - of the snow and with a viral flu-like sort of thing that needs to go away!!! How much snot does one really need in a lifetime? I mean really!! Hey my ears just opened up. I am not hearing underwater at the moment.

Life's small victories. More to post later when I am closer to human.

winter in photographs part 2

Doesn't matter which way you look...
Center ...

Left...

Or Right ... It is all snow. Everywhere you look - what was that nonsense about global warming??

winter in photographs

Terrifyingly beautiful isn't it? Way too much snow and don't let the sun fool you. It was a balmy 12 degrees on Tuesday. Look at the pile of snow that came off the driveway.




And here is himself! Glad to be outside and most unwilling to cooperate for the camera. Mr. Pouty-butt wanted to go walkies in the snow. Not pose for a picture thank you very much!!




And the front of the castle. Excuse the shadows the camera is still way smarter than me. And oh so very much snow. Looks kinda scary doesn't it?

More to follow.

I'm back - did ya miss me?

Ten thousand things thriving in my mind….. and not one of them a complete thought.

It is beyond cold – don’t like it.

We are leaving this weekend – not sure that’s good.

Ro sees me – beyond excited – don’t have the words.

Found the title – now must find the text.

CC is all grown – very sad for me.

Camera is smarter than me – oh boy is that sad.

Need to send beck-beck a note – been too long.

Lost a batch of unmailed xmas cards – huh where did they go?

I wear out socks very quickly – why?

I spend too much time on my computer – duh….

I don’t know whether to pray for global warming or temps above freezing.

I always get “homesick” this time of year.

I have some type of obsession with purple shirts – got lots of them.

I really like cookies – and red velvet cake.

Coffee, chocolate, honey crisp apples and peanut butter – four major food groups.

Money woes are tiresome.

Connected with an old friend – amazing feeling – picked up right where we left off.

I am blessed – truly – daily.

There are never enough hours in the day to accomplish everything.

My feet are cold.