Changes and Changing

It didn't take a lot of thought to determine why my postings are so erratic on this blog. Really didn't at all. 
 I hate typing in this program. I truly do. It tries to determine spacing, punctuation, spelling and grammar. When I want help with that, I can ask for it. In the interim - this blows.


 yup hate it.

Food - HA - Ice Cream

So, yeah the food thing. I could fudge it here - you know - protein shakes daily, fruits and protein during the day. Salad usually at night mostly because I am lazy. And this is all true. It is just omitting a little bit of the daily foodstuffs. Like dark chocolate and like ice cream and maybe 2 or 3 cups of coffee.

(image from google images - never can keep ice cream long enough to take a picture)


I don't buy containers of ice cream when grocery shopping. I don't want it handy. When I really want it I have to go out and get it. Thinking this makes it more difficult? Have to get dressed and put shoes on and look presentable for the ice cream run?  NOPE. Cuz we got drive-ups ..... at night...... so I don't have to get out of the car. And I don't have to see anyone except the poor drive-up window person that takes my money and hands me by downfall. Don't ever have to be exposed to the outside world. Car is in the attached garage. The whole process is way too easy.

So, the days starts well with these peanut butter delights, some coffee and a couple of dates. I know that is an older recipe. It has all the nummies and is really simple to make. Most anything that includes dark chocolate is always worth the effort. There are additional offerings on her site - take some time and browse. Some of her shake recipes are amazing!!! Great photography too. Lunch is simple and fast. Tuna packet preferably flavored, hard boiled egg with hot sauce, and fruit and more fruit. I can snarf that in 15 minutes while checking my phone and talking to a coworker. No joke, it is sad to see.  Then chocolate happens a square at a time. There are currently three different dark chocolate bars in my desk. 3!!! Each has a unique flavor. And chocolate. Chocolate Happens. Every day. Weekends get a little weird. I don't have any here at home. Makes for some strange munchies in the afternoons. Dinner is bag-o-salad if I am home alone. If Hubbing is home he cooks. He is good at it too. Healthy protein usually fish and veggies (no Brussel Sprouts - those things are not food).

See doesn't sound too bad. The coffee treats that look and taste like mini-scones are probably not a good thing. The late night ice cream definitely not good. And the chocolate well just accept that one. Not gonna give it up.

 

(photo credit to google)

 

 



 

 



 

 

Lazy

I got the courage and ditched the procrastination and got on the scale at the gym. HA - nothing unexpected there. The last time I weighed myself and allowed myself to look at the number it was almost the same. Yup still 20 pounds heavier than I want to be. I refuse to look at the scale at the doctor's office. There is something so brutal about that. I don't know exactly why it feels that way I only know I won't do it. Haven't for many years.

So, lest you think I am some sort of obsessed with thin - allow me to explain the 20 pounds. It has taken two years to gain that weight. That is 10 pounds a year. It starts in the winter and I never make it go away. I accept the extra pounds and the tighter clothes and keep going. Next year happens again, same story, same song, same acceptance. My clothes don't fit. I am not in a position to buy all new clothes. Mostly because I dun wanna. That is simply ridiculous. If I would simply exert myself and adjust my eating habits it would be so much better. I am not getting any younger. Any endeavor of this manner is not going to be easy. The longer I wait; the older I get. The older I get the harder it is to affect this change. Translation: Older me has a really hard time losing the fat and fab. I hate jiggly underarms. Bleh.

And I joined a gym again. It is good. The last time I got serious and took charge the gym was the deciding factor for me. I am beginning in fits and starts this time. I will go a few days then skip for too many days. The feeling of comfort and familiarity is coming back more and more each time I walk in. I will acclimate to this present environment soon. I am not concerned about that. Once I get started and find a rhythm I don't want to stop. I tried going back to the hard core weight training. That didn't work. I took a step back went to the machines and started at the beginning. I thought I had over done my legs yesterday. Using these two machines among others.

(Images courtesy of google - seated extension with red pads, nautilus leg press top)

Sadly that was not the case. My legs were not even the least bit sore today. That means to me I am giving up before my body is ready to quit. My lazy takes over. My torture of choice today was a run. It was 5 miles but I couldn't run the entire thing. I will keep trying. Tomorrow is arms day. OWWWW.

More on dietary changes later.

Now I am tired.

Lost and now somewhat forgotten

I was looking for some photos on my laptop. I wanted to add some color and vibrancy to the post.
The pictures are gone. Like gone-gone. Nowhere to be found. The folder is as well. We were both doing things with photos on the computer. So, it could have been either one of us. But, sadly I did not notice it until now. The last time I remember working with them was a couple of months ago. The chances are they are gone forever.  What is truly the saddest part about all this........... not the first time.

 I lost a large number of photos a couple of years ago. My computer crashed and took all the fun pictures with it. I bought the back-up drive, the jump drive and then proceeded to let it happen again. Because of course I did. Why not?  Lesson learned? HA!! Didn't learn it last time.

I went and got the old jump drive out of the drawer. There are some pictures on there though not many. Seems to be the ones I had printed a while back. And one picture of boo-boo that I had forgotten. Probably the last picture I took of him. No learning taking place here I guess. Just sadness.  Bleh.

Here's Boo-Boo. He's always good for a smile.

Changes

Good Bad or Otherwise. They are the only constant we have. And man oh man are there a lot of them going on now.

So, we make the adjustments. There are some that don't feel good. I try not to let the dark side - the Oh No side - come into my thoughts too much. I am trying to be open and accepting. So far, ain't workin'.

Changes are upon us  - Bleh.

Bye bye Boo Boo

Bye-Bye Boo-Boo!

 

 

 

 Thank you for so much love for so very many years.

I'm feeling really lost at the moment. I don't know what to do without you.

I love you. And I it hurts to breathe now.

addy

And we wait

WAITING.......



Still Waiting.......

this may be awhile

Newness

There is much you don't know about me. And there is much changing right now.




I am going to start paying attention to this blog again. It will probably be very introspective for a while. I am going to set up a seperate photo blog as soon as I figure out how to do that.....

One step at a time and all will be well - ya whatever. I can only go at a slow and steady pace right now. But it works.

Lookee This!

Sunset - from my driveway...


Sunset a few minutes later - from my driveway...

Hey look at what my camera can do!! Beautiful!

So, Halloween kind of freaks me out.

As a child for religious and for who knows what else reasons we did not celebrate the holiday. We were not allowed. Everyone else on the block, in the neighborhood, in the city, in the county had costumes and fun. We were not allowed.

As I made it to my tween and then my teen years, I changed that. I went to parties, and I went trick-or-treating for a few years. As it turns out, I don’t like trick-or-treating. Nope, not at all. The party thing I could do and enjoy.

As an adult, I encouraged my daughter’s participation since infancy. Costumes, trick-or-treat, parties and myriad decorations every year. As a 20-something in college, she still loves the parties and costumes. And I do not want to know the details. Suffice it to say she has fun.

As an adult without a small child, I am not really liking Halloween. I am too old to party with the younger crowd. Don’t care to party much either. I don’t have any small kids in the house to dress up. Hubbing no longer goes way overboard with the decorations to scare the holy schnikees out of the neighborhood kids. We live in a very rural area. We have very few unexpected visitors to our door. The dog is really upset by the sporadic ringing of the doorbell for a few hours once a year. He barks like a crazy dog. Which he truly is we know. He scares the folks at the door who are just trying to enjoy a truly bizarre holiday. Scares ‘em witless really. He sounds like he is going to eat them alive. He just wants to lick them to death and jump on them till fall over. Ya, see cuz then he could actually reach their faces and then he could lick some more.

Hubbing doesn’t much like it anymore either. He always has to work to keep the little hoodlums from doing real damage to life and to property. It is usually cold and sometimes wet and windy too. So, maybe this is a holiday for the young.

I feel old.

We went on another mini-vacation! And it was awesome. And I got to use my new camera. And it is still smarter than me… sorry about that.

I did manage to take a few good shots. See ……

I also took along my lil ole’ point-and-shoot cuz I know how to use that one. See ….

We talked more about the hows and wheres of retiring someday. We aren’t even close yet folks. We just like to talk about it. We have agreed that water is the main criteria for location. The rest will sort itself out over time. So, we visit water and enjoy ourselves and take pictures.

Sounds good to me.

RIP MOMMA

OUR MOST TREASURED MEMORY

WE LOVE YOU - NOW AND ALWAYS!

Mommas

It was very difficult yesterday.

We saw his Mama for the first time since they sent her home. Everyone is just waiting for the end now. She is very uncomfortable physically. Her breathing is labored and she is in pain. She wasn’t able to talk much. She did tell him, ”I see you.” Choked him up a little – a lot. It was very hard on him when he lost his Dad. This time will be more difficult. The only good part of this is the wonders of the internet and Skype. We are not making the trip back. He has said all he has to say to her.

Preparing for his mother’s passing stirred thoughts and memories for me.

The call from Old Fart that Momma wasn’t going to make it. The staff at the hospital missed the DNR in her chart. She was hooked up to a ventilator. He wanted me to come down so the apparatus could be removed. I was there within 18 hours or so. He wanted me there for him. She never knew I was by her side. Old Fart still has bad days all these years later. He doesn’t know what to do with himself most of the time. He took care of her for 12 years! He never made an exit plan. He didn’t understand how lost he would be without her. Oddly I didn’t understand how much I would miss her either.

We weren’t related by birth. She was #2. And yet she is my #1. I could not love her more or miss her more simply by being of her flesh. She was the most loving, most caring Mother a child could want. I want that love still. I was not ready for her to go. She nurtured my soul. She taught me so very much about life and about relationships. My youth and my arrogance were my most prevalent traits when we were first getting acquainted. She was more than tolerant. She forgave me my ignorance and she guided me through those years. The horrible relationship that almost killed me – literally. The new role of mother that I was certain I could never EVER get right. Her support, her love, her guidance were an absolute integral part of our survival. Most of who and of what we are in our lives today is because she was in our lives. And now her lessons live on.

CiCi learned pure love from Momma. No conditions, no strings, no expectations – just love. A far better love than I could have taught her. Mine is flawed. Hers is not. Neither one of them actually have this flaw. A capacity for forgiveness that I still cannot master. This comes from deep inside a person. A place so real and so alive that one cannot touch or feel it. A person has to live it. I don’t have that place within me. I can remember a slight from my childhood which was a very long, long time ago. CiCi may remember but is not concerned. Momma was like that.

The one thing she didn’t forget was hurt. She felt it deeply. It crushed her. She was a tender hearted soul. As tough a business woman as you would ever meet. In a time when females were an anomaly in the world of finance and banking, Momma was moving to the top. She could run the place with amazing efficiency and true grit. And have her feelings crushed with an unkind word from a loved one. A lesson for us all here and now.

Mommas are the best. They deserve the best of us. Our love, our respect, our caring and our hearts. We pass this on to the next generation so they may pass it on to the following generation.

We love you Momma.

Vacation

We had a spectacular weekend.

Our mini-vacation was a success. We reconnected with each other. We unplugged from the world and enjoyed our surroundings.

We were active and fun. We tried a couple of new things.
Nothing horrible happened and we didn’t go broke doing it.

WOW for us! We decided it took ten years but we finally figured out how to have a vacation.

The water was warmish and the weather was hot – kinda. We went kayaking, we swan off the dock, we went out on a paddlewheeler with a corny dinner show. We went shopping even.

All in all it was an amazing trip for two. We came back with a renewed commitment to do this again and again. It is so very good for us. And we had a great time.

To top off the perfect weekend – I received this Sunday afternoon! Huh, who knew?

Accomplishments

I did get a few things accomplished lately.

I made it to the gym and made myself sore.

I did a butt-load of laundry.

Did some cleaning and some fixing.

Hung some curtains added air freshener….

So, things are improving. Or really it is just me getting onto the improving.

I had dinner with friends and co-workers Friday nite.

I had dinner with different friends and different co-workers Saturday nite.

I have two very different jobs. So, I have two separate sets of friends and co-workers.

There is excitement and love happening all around.

There is a lot of turmoil as well.

I just observe. I really don’t share much of my life.

I can tell them how we are planning a mini-vacation. Relate the trials and the tribulations of being with this dog. And I can show pictures that are on my phone.

Most of these people really don’t know much about me. I don’t want them to be involved in my life. There is so very much I consider personal. Private by my own definition. Not a popular definition – probably not the Webster’s definition either.

The over-sharing that is such a part of our society and our culture these days is not for me. Why would I want to know so much about someone’s movements? I don’t care when you took the trash out – where you had dinner – how much you spent on the dinner – or how funny the waiter was. I really don’t care.

I don’t quite understand why anyone would want to know all this. Really I don’t.

Just like I don’t want to know when the last the time you were intimate with your partner and those sordid details. I can’t help you with your relationship issues please keep those secrets to yourself too. And don’t ask – I will not share those aspects of my life with you. Or anyone other than my husband. It is truly not your concern.

We can talk about the weather, new government policies, paint colors, good dogs and bad dogs, college tuition, muscle cars or environmental disasters. I am fully capable of holding my own on any of those topics. And quite happy to discuss them.

Stay out of my bedroom and keep your nosey questions out of my life. You were not invited.

Hmmm… sounds a little bitchy don’t it?

I Don't Wanna

I know why I haven’t been here lately. I don’t feel like it.
I am taking the lazy days of summer to heart.

The innumerable things that need to be done – I just don’t feel like doing them.

There are carpets to clean, windows to wash, floors to scrub and more and more.
And I don’t wanna.

The ugly wallpaper in the laundry room is still half down. And the room is not painted.
And I don’t wanna.

“Stuff” that needs to be boxed up and carried into the garage is getting stacked up.
And I don’t wanna.

Bathtubs to clean and sinks to scour and toilets ugghhhhh
Yep I so don’t wanna.

Paint is waiting for the window wells in the kitchen – so Hubbing can re-hang the blinds.
And I don’t wanna.

And there is more paint waiting for the trim and the banister. And more paint waiting for the girl’s bedroom. And more paint waiting for the basement.
And I don’t wanna.

The ATTIC – yeah just everything up there.
And I don’t wanna.

I want to eat ice cream and peruse the blogosphere and enjoy.

My pants are getting a little tight cuz ……
Gym attendance in another “I don’t wanna”.

I want to float on a lake or a river – cool water, warm sun.

Yeppers that’s what I wanna do.

A Night Off

I have not failed my challenge for the week. I gave myself the night off last night. I had something important to do. And I did it.

I also gave myself tonight off as well. I was making good progress on one of my projects. Sewing two seams into some pillow covers I bought on clearance to make new curtains for the basement. Very easy – I have improvised in this way more than once. Except, the sewing machine took exception to working at such an hour. Yep used an entire spool of thread on one seam. So, I asked the sewing princess for assistance. Tried all her suggestions and nothing worked. I will try the curtains another time. Maybe miracle fixes do happen to electronic equipment….. Ehhh it could happen.

I did manage to get a few things done. And I feel good about those accomplishments. There is much more to do. I don’t know that I will be able to complete the basement or the laundry room this week. I forgot to take into account normal everyday activities and responsibilities. And hair appts. Yeah, had one of those yesterday. Almost forgot. Oops! We chatted, she cut and styled and waxed – ouch. And I paid – ouch again.
With the mundane and the necessary requiring my attention and my efforts – the extraordinary and extracurricular are neglected. Laundry and vacuuming before painting and sewing. More mundane tomorrow.

I did manage to play with a couple more photos from the OKC trip. I plan to take those to be printed. The Old Fart wanted a few of them to hang. I also want to hang a few of them. Probably not the same ones. I take the jump drive to a photo kiosk in one of the major discount retailers and pick and choose which ones I print. Works great for me and the photos print in a quality suitable for framing. I have my favorite abstract-type one sitting on my desk now. I’m the only person that likes it but the print is good. My camera and my computer are still not placing nice with each other. I plan to have Hubbing take a look at that when he gets back. Which needs to be soon. I am missing him most much.

Oh, and what was so important I had to skip a post yesterday? I had to say good-bye to an old friend.

Photo credit to: www.corneliamarie.com

Calm Seas and Good Weather Captain Phil. Gonna miss you.

The urge to say “F**K IT”

The urge to say “F**K IT” and give up on my challenge to myself week is very strong.
See my day went wonky – took a hard right turn and spun me around. I hate it when that happens! But, I told myself I can do this. And I am going to make every effort. ‘nuff said.

Exercise is much easier when I don’t have a full-time job thing.

I enjoy my workouts. As long as I can focus on my workout with a single-mindedness I am good. When I have to watch the clock and be prepared to leave to get ready for work, it is not nearly as fun. There was a time when I spent two hours a day at the gym. I showered there much more often than I ever did at home. I had good shape, toned muscles and minimal body fat. All because I was there 8-10 hours a week. I didn’t like to miss my workouts two days in a row. And now with the job thing I cant make it to the gym two days in a row. I don’t want to get up at 5:30 AM to go sweat. It takes me awhile to wake up. I don’t like the rushing around and the hurried feeling that comes with it.

I can get organized and have everything ready in the car for the morning. But, then there is the hair issue. What issue you say? Well, let me ‘splain it to you. Short curly hair. Can’t leave it wet to dry on its own. Much fuzziness and bizarro world curls sticking out every which way ensues. If I try to blow it dry…well it must be perfect the first try or I have to start over. In the past I didn’t much care. I didn’t have a job thing in a professional setting. But this has changed.

Working out in the evening doesn’t work well for me. My energy level is way down. I don’t have much enthusiasm for the workout and my mind wanders a lot. I don’t really concentrate on the tasks. I lose count on reps, I forget if I have done both sets so I do them again or not. My focus is missing.

So, the questions for me:
Do I suck it up and go in the early mornings?
What about the hair? I am not one of those women that likes to spend hours on the hair.
Can I make it work in the evening?
Any ideas?

PS Dang my siblings have ugly feet dont they? Mine aint no better.

Challenge Week

So, I have a challenge for myself this week.
The Hubbing is out of town – all week.
This is the first time I will be in this cavernous house alone for that amount of time.
CiCi is gone – her friends are gone – her cat is gone.
It is just me and the remaining furry people.

That means I have no excuses.
There is no one to cook for every day.
There is no one to cuddle with every evening.
There is no one to use as an excuse for not getting things done.

Therefore, I will make this a challenge week for me.

I am ruling out going to the gym everyday. It would be fun and exciting.
It also is not doable. The old dog cannot last that long without some outdoor relief.
As it is, one of the Hubbing’s friends and coworkers is coming in every afternoon to relieve the dog. So, that one is out. However, that does not mean I can’t go walking in the evening with the old dog. And do a few floor exercises each evening. So I will be opportunistic on that front.

I will write a minimum of one post every day for these 5 days. Yeppers, I will.
I have a few ideas to jot down to make that easier. Really, once I get started on a post it flows very well. It is the getting started that is the hard part.

I will finish one project around here this week. Either the laundry room or the basement will be completed by Friday. Both rooms are equally difficult for different reasons. It won’t make any difference at all which one gets done. If I stick with it I can do it.


I am gong to return to the job search thing. More on that later. Suffice it to say ewwwwwwwww…

I will get some loose ends tied up for me. Mailing a few things, printing some photos, figuring out why my camera is not speaking to my computer, are just a few of the everyday type things I have been ignoring.

I am going to start this process by ironing my work clothes tonight for the week. Yippee (note sarcasm here) ironing. My favorite. Well ok I don’t really like it but I really don’t like wrinkled clothes!

There will be much conversation this week. I have pictures to share (maybe) if my camera and computer will be friends again. Thoughts to sort and questions to ask.

Take a look at this one – GAHHHH!!

Yes, I've been busy.

Much has happened in the last month. I don’t know where to start.
So – a list of random updates and their respective consequences.

ITEM 1:
The house is listed for sale. We aren’t finished with all the things we wanted to do. But, it is out there. So, this is real. If we are able to sell at the price we want we will be ok. Not great but ok.

ITEM 2:
I have a new job thing. Yeah, kind of surprised me too. Commute is longer but it is ok. Not sure about the job yet. Keep you posted.

ITEM 3:
I am going to OKC in a week for an overnight trip. Yucko! We take all the fun out of dysfunctional. That will be a post not to be missed when I get back.

ITEM 4:
Feeling uber fat these days. Up about 5 pounds and none too happy about it. Been to the gym more often but my eating is out of control!! Lordy save me from myself.

ITEM 5:
CiCi and Hubbing are communicating! Yay just like real people!! She needs a new car – he loves to buy cars and can’t afford one for us. So, he helps her. They both win. I am beyond excited.

ITEM 6:
I feel better. I gave in and started taking the medication as prescribed. Yup, me on meds. Whatever I feel better.

ITEM 7:
I have absolutely no idea what to get Hubbing for his upcoming birthday. Poop – poop and more poop. Ideas?

ITEM 8:
I bought a couple pairs of shoes for this job. Like grown up lady work shoes with heels and stuff. Wow, huh? Who knew I could wear those things.

ITEM 9:
My office is still a mess.

ITEM 10:
It is so flippin’ hot I can’t get anything done. I can’t get the outside things done because I am at work in the morning – every morning. Yes all seven of them. I didn’t give up my Target job completely. I have to be certain the new one will work.


ITEM 11:
I can no longer collect unemployment. It ran out and I now have two jobs. CRAP!
How do I pay my Target bill now?

ITEM 12:
I need to paint a few more rooms. Don’t have time but still need to paint. Volunteers (read victims)?

ITEM 13:
I need new bras. I hate shopping for bras. They are expensive and uncomfortable and don’t fit right! WAAAAH…..

ITEM 14:
Old Dude is having cataract surgery in a couple of weeks. Kinda scary. He is getting older and his health is too.

ITEM 15:
Gave the poopers a bath today. It was necessary. He reeked.

ITEM 16:
I miss CiCi most much.