There Was More

There was more I wanted to tell her
I had used up my chances – reached my quota for the day.

I wanted to tell her talking about it, planning it out, are always the better.
Mama knew for 12 years it was coming.
She started planning and talking.
We all knew her desires for the end, we steeled ourselves for the eventuality.

They didn’t read the paperwork correctly in the hospital.
They hooked her up when she failed.
Old Fart said no – she doesn’t want that.
They kept the machine on until I got there.
It was already too late – she was gone.
The body was continuing without her.
I came for him – he needed me.
It was still a shock for him.
He wasn’t ready to say good-bye.

He was in shock and very lost.
But, we had a plan.
We had all talked.

Cremation – small service at the church – ashes in the columbarium.
And then the clean-up begins.

One got missed.
Couldn’t reach him for a couple of days.
Tried outdated numbers, left random messages.
He called while we were making the arrangements.
His excitement and pleasure upon realizing it was me soon changed –
to sorrow and to pain.
A terrible sense of loss for him.
He had plans to take her to her next appt and talk again – about the end.
She told him much – he asked for my help to make it all work.
We did.
Her secret guardian angel – him – saw it all through.
It was better he wasn’t there at the end – we needed his memories of those conversations.

We talk now of the Old Fart’s end – he is making certain. Don’t be offended by the name – he has been my beloved Old Fart for 47 years – we understand it. He is “g-pa Old Fart” to my daughter. They are beautiful together.

His will be the worst. I love Mama – miss her daily.
I will miss him by the minutes.

We talk often – everyone understands his wishes.

I wish he not leave.